So, here’s a bit of what happened to me in Skyrim recently…
THE QUEST FOR SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO HAPPEN.
An adventure starring An Old Man Of Great Importance and a Person Of Forgettable Name
Go here to find a person says Person Of Forgettable Name.
The land is covered in dragons. They’re bloody everywhere.
This man is our saviour, you must find him. He’s probably awesome. As well as old. In a world plagued by dragons, this is a man who knows about dragons. And probably sex too. We need this man!
He is… *thunderclap* ….The Old Man Of Great Importance
Travel takes a while.
Fight dragon en route.
A mighty dragon approach! I must kill him in the face or I will die at his dragony claws. Or his dragony mouth. Or his dragony tail. I’m too young to dragon!
This takes a while. I keep getting deaded when I’m trying to move backwards and get stuck on a rock and stuff.
I see loading screens. They’re dark and smokey.
Find Old Man Of Great Importance in a dungeon.
In a sewer, in a town, in a dungeon, lies The Old Man Of Great Importance. Just after the Tavern Of Much Sewerage lies the dungeon. Don’t look at me, I don’t write this.
Traversing the dungeon takes a while. I find the door that smells of old man. The old man of great importance is here. He begins to tell a tale.
Why yes, I’ll listen to you talk whilst I steal all your worldly goods, sir. Take your time! Oh, you *are* taking your time. Good-oh. *pockets a plank of wood for later*
Escort Old Man Of Great Importance back to elsewhere. He knows the way!
It is into that wall there and down this corridor where he’ll stand whilst I try to jump over his head. I have mighty feet that can jump a whole man. Especially an old man. Unfortunately, there is a ceiling in the way.
I push him in the face but he is resolute in his not move-y-ness. There is only room for one person in this corridor. He is old, he is that person.
He knows about dragons. People who know about dragons probably do this all the time.
FREEDOM AT LAST!
He has moved out the way. We’re free and ready to run. Luckily fast travel works as I’m taking Old Person Of Great Importance back to somewhere I’ve already been.
And he won’t climb in the cart or follow the horse properly anyway. Probably had a bad experience with a dragon on a horse as a kid or something.
Off we go anyway. To the fasttravelmobile.
We have a plan
Old Person Of Great Importance suggests we all go somewhere and do something and something will happen and we’ll all be happy or something and something dragon something old something dragon something TEMPLE!.
I can join them if I choose. Sounds positively merry! How could I resist?
Escort old person of great importance plus friend of forgettable name elsewhere.
This takes a fucking age as I’ve not been anywhere near this place I need to head off to before so I can’t just catch the bus or however it is that this fast travel lark works (Oyster Card?)
There are many deaths and many loading screens and a great bit where the game lags slightly and I end up throwing myself off a cliff somehow.
I see a loading screen. It is dark and smokey.
Fight dragon en route
A mighty dragon approach! I must kill him in the face or I will die at his dragony claws. Or his dragony mouth. Or his dragony tail. I’m too young to dragon!
This takes a while. I keep getting deaded when I’m trying to move backwards and get stuck on a rock and stuff.
Old Man Of Great Importance and Person Of Forgettable Name stand in a stream watching.
I see loading screens. They are dark and smokey.
Enter a mystic temple with old person of great importance plus friend of forgettable name.
Get to where I’m going but WAIT! I can’t find entrance to this mysterious place I’m supposed to be travelling to with my now clearly drunk companions who are unable to walk in a straight line.
I laughed at first when they veered over the cliff face, and sat stern faced inbetween two rocks dancing away to themselves but after a while, the novelty had worn off. As had the disco music in their heads.
I fight many of bandits, funny looking old women with wings, massive blocks of ice that walk and fuck knows what else whilst falling off small planks and getting stuck in geometry every 30 seconds.
This takes a while.
I see loading screens. They are dark and smokey.
You find the entrance…
This takes a while. It’s a small hole in some rock. There is lots of rock in Skyrim. Not as much rock as in Borderlands but still, rock. It’s a rocky place. With rocks.
The Adventure Game!
Play The Adventure Game for 5 minutes whilst squinting at barely visible symbols on the floor trying not to get burned to death so I don’t have to see loading screens. This only takes a few moments but SQUINTING.
Wait whilst old man and person with forgettable name try to remember their lines.
Wait for both my drunk friends to click in to their dialogue tree. This takes a while.
“I’m sorry, there’s shit all we can do now we’re here, Mr Adventure Man. Go over there far away to do something about it. You need to learn a word! We’re not even sorry we’ve just pissed your time up the wall. How were we to know the door would be locked when we got here, eh?”
Fast travel to over there, which is far away.
Learn a new word (Isn’t primary school great?) after watching some NPC folks walk very slowly. When not hitting the ale, clearly all the NPC’s are ripped to the tits on weed or have been huffing down valerian or something like tomorrow is going out of fashion.
You need to use this word to climb up this mountain right by where you’re standing.
Look! You can see where you need to go, you’re right by it. Just use that word now and off you go…
YOU CANNOT USE THIS WORD. YOU NEED MORE DRAGON SOULS. GO KILL MORE DRAGONS TO GO THROUGH THERE. BYEEEEE.
GNYYYAAAAAARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!