Mersey Remakes

One of my pet niggles and something that seems to set off the full set of fire alarms in my head is really bad games journalism. I know, I know - after all these years online I should be fully aware that for every RPS, there’s a pile of colossal cuntwittery unleashed upon the world in barely legible form. So much so that when giving this little place its last brush over with a comb (yes, my blog has a Bobby Charlton cut - deal with it) one of the ideas I contemplated was a “this week in shit games journalism” segment.

Shit Journalism For Dummies

The sheer scale and scope of this endeavour would lead to having to start an entirely seperate blog just to deal with the huge amounts of shit that pour out every day onto the internet and into print magazines. Shitcanned, then.

Recently, my favourite slice of gaming wisdom came from British Gaming with their Mirror’s Edge preview:

this is what happens when you swallow a thesaurus and shit out an Edge

Mirror’s Edge looks to be one of the most exciting and adventurous games on the radar; a game so heavily centred on fluidity of movement that strays from the predictable shackles of third person to create a game intensely visceral that demands you to grab the controller.

I adore the speed and flexibility of parkour and setting the psychogeographic sport in a sparkling, clinical world rather than a drab, generic wasteland increases the hype tenfold.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when you swallow a thesaurus and shit out an Edge. Look, I’m on my knees begging you please, please, please (stop it - Ed). Folks, really. Big words. Don’t fucking use them if you don’t know what they mean or if they don’t serve any other purpose than saying “I learnt a big word yesterday”.

I could dissect every last part of the above “preview” but really, there’s no point is there? It’s so incredibly nonsensical and barely coherent that I’d be better off just slipping off for a wank instead. It’s quicker this way. To the authors credit though, at least he’s trying to sound enthusiastic, that’s a damn sight better than some of the shit I’ve read over the years.

Comfort Zone

But whilst I could rant all day about the state of game reporting in general, I’ve cribbed a specific example from 360 Gamer as posted on RLLMUK that I feel everyone should see… in a similar vein to the “controversial” review(s) of Space Giraffe in OXM, may I present for your pleasure - Ikaruga, a review.

Important disclaimer before we proceed any further: Now I don’t ask for a review of something I like to agree with my opinion on whatever the thing in question may be (I read and enjoy Larry Miles Dr Who reviews ferchrissakes and they frequently take me out of any comfort zone I may have built up) but I do expect at the very least a basic understanding of the game/film/medium/whatever and a convincing argument for or against. Sadly, none of this is evident in the 360 Gamer review you’re about to read. It is, in fact, so bizarrely wrong that it makes me question whether the person reviewing the game has even played Ikaruga in any way whatsoever.

All this, of course, ties in to why I believe that having a games fate lie in anyway in the hands of critics is a bad thing. Whilst there are some glorious journalists out there, they’re swimming amidst a sea of shite.

Ikaruga 360 Gamer Review

“Much like the FPS genre, the top-down shooter hasn’t evolved much in the last 30 years. In fact, some would argue that it hasn’t really evolved at all. The same frantic, enjoyable gameplay enjoyed in titles such as 1942, Xenon and many others follow the same principle: shoot things, get better weapons, fight the end of level boss and repeat.

Although Ikaruga has a fantastic pedigree in the East - and whilst there’s probably around eight fanboys out there screaming with hysterical delight - we’re going to ignore this because the majority of gamers won’t have a clue what Ikaruga is and probably won’t even enjoy playing it.

The crux of the game involves piloting a ship across numerous levels in the hope of overcoming the onslaught of enemies firing at you, whilst wiping them out with your own increasingly impressive arsenal.

There’s no other or better way to describe the gameplay, because there isn’t really that much more to it than that.

For the most part you’ll be dodging bullets and throwing some back, but it’s here that Ikaruga shows its true worth. However, just hold the A button on the free trial and you’ll see exactly why there isn’t much in the way of tactics. It’s a disappointment, because the ability to fire your primary weapon without interruption should be awesome, but realistically it’s a bit of a letdown because it makes everything far too easy.

Those that laugh in the face of these sorts of problems will probably believe that this is the mutt’s nutts, but it really isn’t. Ikaruga’s subtle eastern charm might convince some to believe that it’s brilliant, but we’re made of much sterner stuff. Sadly, however much those eight nostalgic people out there would have you believe, this just isn’t the second coming we were hoping for.

It isn’t a bad game all in all, but without much in the way of tactics and little gameplay variation, newcomers to the genre will be instantly bored. Sure, it’ll offer ten minutes of mindless blasting, but then you’ll delete it. Stay away and wait for Aces of the Galaxy. 5 out of ten.”

I mean, seriously. Where do you start on something like that? It’s like an A-Z of “How Not To Review A Game by Joe Bloggs aged 4 1/2″. Just about everything you don’t want in a review all clusterfucked together for your enjoyment.

The Silent Majority

It’s one thing to deride an entire genre (because as we’re all well aware, vertical shooters haven’t moved on since Space Invaders or at least that’s what a mythical cluster of folks would argue) but to attempt to bolster an obvious dislike (assuming, of course, that the game has been played) by invoking the silent majority and then implying that the (for the sake of the review-Ed) eight people who do like the game are weak willed thickies merely in love with a game because it’s Japanese… mmm hmmm, okay. Personally, I’d not go there.

Actually, I might if I at least had some weight of statistical evidence on my side for my claim or I was being a facetious bastard on the wind up for shits and giggles, but it’s quite clear from the review that whoever is responsible for this review doesn’t and isn’t.

I don’t know about you, but I find that more than a little fucked up.

My real problems with the review, nitpicking aside (which I can do a fair bit of given its content) is that there’s no bollocks to it. No courage nor confidence to turn around and say “I stand proud in my dislike of the game for these reasons <insert reasoning here>”. No, instead what we get is relying on beating down anyone who may like the game, invoking a mythical group of people as if to somehow prove that this makes his point ever more weighty and then telling you, dear reader, that you won’t like the game. I don’t know about you, but I find that more than a little fucked up.

I read reviews for opinions and to be entertained. Since the days of Crash, Zzap, YS and beyond I tend to gravitate towards reviewers I feel I can trust. Not always agree with, but trust. (Which is partially why I avoid Edge like the plague, anonymous reviews are the spawn of the devil)

I want the reviewer to state his case passionately

How can I trust a reviewers opinion if they don’t even have the bollocks to state it outright without having to invent people or arguments to back it up? I can’t. It’s just meaningless space filler and neither use nor ornament. I don’t want someone to tell me whether I should or will like a game, I want to know what they think of it and make my own decision based upon any available evidence. I want the reviewer to state his case passionately for, against or wherever in the middle these things may land. If a game is good then let me share the enthusiasm, if a game is bad then let me in on the thought processes of why it’s perceived that way, if it’s neither here nor there then fuck - tell me why.

Not at any point should there be any need nor requirement for the sort of bullshit seen in this Ikaruga review. It’s rotten, lazy and worth nothing more than the 20 seconds of smug-cuntdom that comes to the person writing it. It’s no use to me as a reader for evaluating a games worth, it’s no use to a developer for critical feedback, it’s no use to anyone anywhere. If someone can’t tell me in 350 words how they feel about a game without resorting to this shit then perhaps they’re in the wrong career. Or at least, I’d hope they’re in the wrong career.