The first guest takes the stage. He’s visibly shaking with the sheer joy and excitement of being here at The Oscars. He bounds up to the front of the stage, the microphone barely able to pick up his words as he nervously avoids being anywhere within pickup range.
Then he says it, loud and clear.
“Hi, I love films!” and the crowd roars with excitement. “Me too!”, the crowd shouts back.
“Ever since I was a kid and it was Christmas 1984, I was expecting a bike but I got a VHS player instead. My parents brought a copy of the wrong Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs home and had to hurriedly switch it round for a tape of Pink Panther cartoons but ever since then, I was hooked on films. I just really like films”
The crowd cheers again. They really, really like films and they appreciate having someone there on the stage declare his love for films too. Everyone here loves films. Films are great.
The compere takes the stage. They couldn’t get Steve Martin this year so the organising board sat down and had to decide who else they could get to make jokes at the crowd. After much deliberation, they decided they really needed someone who liked films. Someone visible in the community who had been seen watching a film once. They trawled through a list of people who had been seen at film premiers because can you imagine the uproar if they found someone who didn’t like films? That would be awful.
Eventually they settled on Peter Moore of Electronic Arts, the famous computer videogame firm. You see, the film industry had long admired the work of the videogame industry and this could be a chance to reach across that gulf and unite the people who like films and the people who like videogames. A marketing coup, if you will. Besides, they knew Peter would know exactly what to say when he took to the stage.
And so he jiggled animatedly on the stage. Peter is a professional, he doesn’t do nervous. He did a long time ago but he doesn’t speak of that now. He moved towards the camera and pulls down his pants at the back, ever so slightly. On the top of his arse there’s a recently tatooed Blu-Ray logo.
“As you can see, I really like films!”, Peter yowls. The crowd, again, goes crazy. They know what it feels like to reallly love films and they’re grateful that Peter does too. Peter likes them enough to wear the Blu-Ray logo with pride. Peter knows his stuff.
“You probably don’t know who I am but I’m The Peter Moore of videogames”, he continues. “Videogames and films are great. Who likes videogames and films?”
It’s an awkward moment. No-one is really there for videogames and who is this guy really? The crowd are there for films, not videogames. Ugh.
Peter carries on. He’s a professional, he’s unphased.
“If you guys, because you’re all guys right? Hey guys. If you guys want to buy any of the films here today, there is a 29% off sale on the Blu-Rays at your local Walmart or Asda right now. It’s only available for the next 18 hours or so so get in there fast. These deals on films won’t last…”
The camera moves away, Peters voice fades out. The announcer takes over.
“We’ll be back for more film love in minutes after this short break”
A man with a kazoo plays the theme from The Great Escape as the trailer rolls for the new Michael Bay version of The Great Escape, The Great Escape 2015. Viewers at home can still hear the crowd roar. The crowd really loves hearing about new films. Films are great.
The trailer ends with the sound of dubstep. A man dressed like Steve McQueen stares into the sky, says “what the hell?” as a german guard points and yells “Get the bastard!” at him. The dubstep wubs, the screen fades to black. And we’re back.
Peter is on stage talking to Woody Allen about the award he’s just won. Woody is the proud recipient of the crowd voted “Trending Filmer” award. To be honest, he looks a bit perplexed that he doesn’t get to come on and do an acceptance speech but Peter seems so enthusiastic, he’s kind of letting it ride.
“So, Woody. The people have spoken, you’re their trending filmer. Is there anything you’d like to say to them?”
Woody stutters a bit. He’s never good in public. Besides, he’s a reputation to uphold.
“I started making films, Peter, because I really love films!”
“I love films too”, Peter nods.
“Yeah, I mean the thing about films is they’re a revolutionary medium. With films I felt at home with fellow filmers and we would come home from school and watch films and my wife, bless her, doesn’t really understand films like we do because who does, right? We’re the best at films. This award goes out to my fellow filmers. Because films are the best storytelling medium we’ve ever devised. Films!”
“Well, Woody. It seems the crowd agrees and that’s why you’re their number one choice for trending filmer. How does it feel to be a trending filmer?”
“It’s great, Peter. This award means that films are truly important.”
The crowd agrees. Noisily. Someone sets off a firecracker at the back.
Woody shuffles off the stage as Peter announces the trailer for the new Wes Anderson film, “Mclintock Of Duty”
The crowd roars. They really, really, love those film underdogs. But really, they just like films. Everyone likes films. Films are great. They weren’t expecting Wes Anderson to be reviving a film franchise from so long ago so it’s a doubly exciting reveal.
Backstage, a comedian shuffles. He’s waiting for his turn on stage. Normally he makes jokes but tonight, tonight he’s here to tell everyone how much he really loves films. It’s the biggest night of his life so far. Secretly he hopes it isn’t downhill from here.
He practices his firm handshakes for when The Peter Moore calls him. He has a tattoo too but he’s not showing it. It’s not for them, it’s for him. No-one loves films as much as he does. He knows this because he’s read film reviews and they’re always wrong.
He really, really likes films. Tonight he’ll be a part of the ultimate celebration of films and he feels no shame.
(with a hat tip to Rab for the inspiration)