You start off in prison for shooting your dead psychic brother and you’re about to get beaten by some nasty guards but you’re then rescued by your dead psychic brother who you’re in prison for killing who assumes the body of one of the guards and kills the guard through the face and you run away and there’s some soldiers in offices and some monsters too and stuff and the prison is going to explode and the prison explodes I don’t know why I think they do that when you’re not looking because that’s a prison thing and I don’t know I’ve never been in a prison so it might happen and you escape through the sewers but the sewers fill up with water from the exploding prison and your dead psychic brother rescues you from there too and you end up in a village which looks a bit middle eastern and I don’t think your dead psychic brother is there but someone is speaking to me and I think it must be him unless there’s other dead psychic people talking to me and I keep absorbing corpses that glow too because points make prizes and there’s lots of army people who know you’ve escaped from the prison that exploded after your dead psychic brother rescued you and they’ve got giant mechs with machine guns that shoot you in the face and there’s a helicopter which drops teleporting people and one of them is all big and blue and fire lasers at you and everyone keeps shouting all the time non stop always shouting they keep shouting make them stop shouting and and and

…I need a lie down. I’m only an hour in and I feel like my brain has eaten all the smarties.

I’m bored of swearing in games because it’s boring swearing. “Find the bastard” as ambient dialogue repeated ad infinitum is boring. “She’s a bitch” “He’s a bastard”, well, you’re a tedious wronghead so shut up.

Most in game swears are boring. The moment early on LA Noire decided it was Full Metal Jacket was boring. The bit in that game with the thingy and the bloke that swore, that was boring too. Shit, fuck and bastard and the uses thereof in most videogame scripts are boring. They’re just there because no-one has anything creative to say. They’re just there because hey, we’re grown ups and we swear. We’re videogames, hear us roar swear.

Only Bulletstorm in recent times has come out of the swear test well, probably helped by the Cyril Sneer meets Gunnery Sergeant Hartman of the General. That’s funny enough all by itself. The fun with dicks is just the icing on the cake. The rest? Fucking boring.

Hey, videogame script writer – you are not John Cooper Clarke:

You are not Malcolm Tucker:

You’re not Bill Hicks:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVJb6TrG4tI

You don’t have that class. You’re more like a 7 year old who’s just discovered a rude word and is going to use it anyway just for effect only using “poo” would have been far funnier and far more hard hitting than mindlessly blurting out “bastard” every 5 seconds.

The difference is, you’re old enough to know the difference.

So either learn to swear properly or fuck off. Thanks.